Athena Lab Selection 2020

SHRIMP COVERFLY FEEDBACK EXCERPT 4/20/20

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This is an excellent screenplay! You’ve done some really amazing work. The piece is masterfully written and a pleasure to read. The dramatic premise is extremely original and intriguing. The characters are sympathetic and authentic, and dialogue created to express their points of view is effective throughout. The visuals, the action and the locations all are exceptionally well crafted. One of the many strengths of the screenplay is your ability to set the scene which draws us, happily, into the world you’ve created. You clearly have a strong vision, and you’ve taken it into a high concept, commercially viable film.

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The script offers a nice group of fresh and unique characters – fully dimensional, authentic, and sympathetic. Shrimp is a novel and sure-to-be classic film hero (and an awesome role for an actress to sink her teeth into). Her character is established well via subtle description and actions. (I.e., on page 3, she pulls out a Salisbury steak TV dinner bare-handed). I love the way she slowly unfolds, her gifts, backstory, the “rules” of her world. And in the midst of it, you show us a remarkable woman with an effective, emotional and beautiful character arc - who at the film’s end is able to be vulnerable, and able to change. Really well done.

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The fantastical narrative is so well written, and the characters so human, that this reads “true,” allowing us to invest emotionally for some strong and poignant moments. Meanwhile, we get an off beat education on the Mormon faith, as well as a well- balanced challenge to some of their antiquated ways... I’m not Mormon, but still found it incredibly enlightening.

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I love your writer’s voice – fresh, clean and tight. The briskly paced action is told in well- written, beautiful prose with no wasted words for a swift read. You clearly have mastered the art of screenwriting.

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The piece plays with time and space but we always know where we are. Its framework of parallel narratives propels the story in an interesting way, while presenting Shrimp’s backstory. Past and present are well-managed and make for a more interesting read and well-paced structure. The structure within the scenes is excellent as well, with beginnings, middles and ends, and excellent cinematic transitions.

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Achingly human moments peppered throughout keep us grounded in reality. (I.e., one of my favorites is on 86, where Wanda walks in circles because she can’t make up her mind) While other scenarios are so out there, so original, yet still manage to be heartbreakingly authentic and human. (One of my favorites is when Eliza Mae buries Shrimp... then unburies her again.). There is no clumsy in the dialogue, no long-winded monologues or conversations that wear out their welcome. Dialogue is solid, authentic,

crisp, and subtext-driven with effective use of implication and innuendo. Each character benefits from a unique voice.

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Overall, the script delivers on the promise of the logline 100%. The story is easy to follow with strong, emotional themes. The characters are specific and detailed, and generally behave in ways appropriate to who that character was set up to be. This level of sophistication in storytelling is uncommon and when it can be provocative intellectually, and also emotionally, it is truly special.

The quality of writing here is excellent in this gorgeous script.

I love it and can’t wait to see it.

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